Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
