hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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