Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
