my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
