Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
