omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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