I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
