I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
