I got chris browned last night
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I miss vodka workout Fridays
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
