Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
