Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize