her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
They left me at home... I'm a liability
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
