Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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