I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm at about main and main street
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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