totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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