that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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