i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Randomize
