Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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