It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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