Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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