cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize