why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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