A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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