I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
