hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
