You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
