dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just want to make out with him forever
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
