oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Vodka?
Forever.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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