tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
