bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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