we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
