it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
