How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
