If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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