Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize