4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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