Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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