don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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