I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
