thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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