I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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