I cannot find my penis.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
