Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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