I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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