Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
