my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
last night I used snow as a chaser
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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