Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
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