I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
