her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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