the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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