i used baking grease as lip gloss
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We had to coat check the pizza.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
