I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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