The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize