went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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