I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
