She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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