My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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