he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
