So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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