I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
is wine microwaveable?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
