My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize