Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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