She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
