So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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